She Tried to Slap Me, But...

She was a friend. On Facebook. And a little more than an acquaintance in ‘real life.’ We’d had some respectful differences of opinion in the past. She leans to the left; I lean to the right. And, on some issues, we meet in the middle.

Today, I must have pushed her over the edge.

Here’s what happened.

I read an article on Facebook as I often do in the mornings before I get out of bed. It’s sort of a routine. Grab the phone, turn off the alarm, check the social media sites. Yeah, I’m a creature of habit. Someone had posted an article that I found interesting if a bit disturbing.  Although I’m not the most political person, as an American citizen, I feel a certain obligation to keep informed about what’s going on in my country, whether I agree with it or not.

I knew, from the content, if I reposted the article I would get some backlash. So, as I posted it, I added this disclaimer to my post: “This isn't a political post.  Just sharing something that I find disturbing from a former Secret Service agent.” I figured my Facebook friends, several of whom have differing yet intelligent opinions, might post a little response and I looked forward to reading their take on this. Little did I know that within minutes of posting, I would be severely judged.

How do you feel when you’ve been judged by someone? The thing is, we can’t control what others choose to think or feel; we can only control ourselves. So when I saw a private message within minutes of re-posting that article, I knew just how it felt to be judged unfairly.  This is the message I received: “I think it is time for me to unfriend you. I don't think I knew who you were in the past. The blatantly unChristian things that I have read with racist overtones have truly surprised me. I will pray for you.”

For anyone who truly knows me, you know that this does not paint an accurate picture of who I am. Yeah, I’m that gal that posts all the warm fuzzy stuff on your Facebook page. The one who wants to encourage other people to live above, not beneath, their circumstances. The one who quotes Rodney King, “Why can’t we all just get along?”

Ultimately, I’m a big girl. I can take it. Now, just 12 hours later, I found another post on my page. Not an article this time, but a quote. A quote that spoke to my heart: “No matter how good a person you are there will always be someone criticizing you.” It felt like validation. Must be a God-thing.

Yeah. You know I shared that one. (You can check out my Facebook page to be sure.)

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather choose to be content than let someone else’s opinion of me dictate who I truly am.  There will always be someone criticizing you. The best we can do, you and me, is to define our purpose and live it. It won’t make us perfect but it will help us be perfectly content in our own skin.

So next time when someone tries to verbally slap you in the face, take heart. Remember who you are and Whose you are. And live life happy.

And, if it helps, remember I’ve been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

 

Jean

What Every Man Should Know

Recently, I was completely blown away by the revelations of a man who had been married, is now divorced, and offered advice that's suitable to men who desire to have a healthy and happy marital relationship. It was re-posted on Facebook and some responses from women were: "I melted when I read your post!" and "I hope this saves marriages." And a man responded: "Words to learn and live by." So, of course, I have to share this with you. Read on...

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about going through divorce that gives you perspective of things you wish you would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If you get frustrated or angry, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8) Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel loved.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fear and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, and part of that courage is allowing her to love your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is for a relationship that isn’t focused on growing. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. Forgiveness is freedom. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

You can find the original post here.

Whether you agree with every point shared, I hope you find some truth that will make your current or future relationship happier, healthier and stronger. After all, life is short. Live it well. Celebrate life!

To your relationship success,

Jean

5-Minute Face Lift

So, on the way home from church yesterday, mom handed me a bunch of coupons and said, “Stop at Wal-mart on the way home. I need a few things.” Now, that’s not unusual, so, like a good daughter, I stopped by Wal-Mart. She said she’d wait in the car while I ran in and picked up the necessary items. That’s not unusual either. You see, mom is in a wheelchair and it’s an effort getting in and out so sometimes, she opts for waiting in the car. Unless we’re going clothes shopping. That woman loves some clothes!

As I grabbed a cart and began looking through the coupons, I saw she’d clipped one for a 5-minute face lift. Hmm…..the woman is 86 and looks great. What does SHE need with this miracle serum? Still, the coupon was for $5 off. Wow!

And that should have been my first clue. Anything that has a $5 off coupon has GOT to be pricey  When I picked it up, yeah, it was. 29 bucks! Now, I don’t know about you, but where I come from, 1oz of serum for that kinda money spells E-X-P-E-N-S-I-V-E. But this was my mama, so I put it into the cart.

A few items later and I was through the checkout and out the door. And mom was happy.

Later that evening, she handed me the precious miracle serum. “I want you to try it first. Just to see if it works.” Sure, no problem. The woman has very sensitive skin and can’t wear just anything. I told her I’d try it in the morning. So I did. It seemed harmless enough, made my skin feel a little tight (must be that firming action) and, I swear, my reflection in the mirror looked 10 years younger. Of course, that was BEFORE I put on my glasses.

Downstairs I gave her a quick report on the ‘stuff.’ That’s when she told me she didn’t want it. That I could have it.

Now, if you know mama you’d know that was her plan all along. But it was the first time she’d been so sneaky about it. And I never saw it coming. Usually, she sees these anti-aging or weight-loss products on television, orders them and presents them to me. Usually in the form of a birthday or Christmas present. Just trying to help me salvage my youth.

• Have you ever been surprised by an unexpected (maybe even unwanted) “gift”?
• What do you think: Is $29 an ounce too much, just right or not enough for a miracle serum?
• Have you ever used a miracle serum to preserve your youth? (If it worked, do tell.)

So, that’s how it came to be that I’m now the proud owner of a 5-minute face lift. Give me a few days. I’m thinking that’s how long it’ll take before y’all start mistaking me for my daughter’s sister. 

And if that doesn’t happen, does anyone know the return policy at Wal-mart? 

Jean

Wanna Be

Have you ever wanted to be something or someone you’re not? Then you know how I feel.

When I was a child, I was short. You too? My family called me “Little Jean.” My friends called me “short.” My mom called me “petite.” She still does. Yes, I haven’t changed much. I stopped growing (vertically) when I was in 9^th grade, topping out at 5’2”. (I wish I’d stopped growing horizontally!)

If you happen to look at any group pictures I’m in, especially family pics, chances are I’m the most vertically challenged. When I give presentations, I’m the one that steps out from behind the lectern. Not just because I’m brave. Those things make me feel short. (Lecterns with fixed mics are not my friend.) And, for all you tall fellas out there, I’m the girl in the grocery store that asks you, “Please, can you reach that box of Cheerios on the top shelf?” And for some of you tall fellas out there, that is not a clever way to get to meet you; I really CAN’T reach that high. (But, every once in a while, when no one’s looking, I can climb that high. Shhh….don’t tell the folks at Wal-Mart!)

So, this morning, as I was walking into work on a bright and sunny day, I was thrilled to see this wanna be tall & skinny girl had achieved her life-long dream. There I was, as plain as day, on the sidewalks of downtown Burlington, my tall and skinny shadow proclaiming my transformation. And, wow, was it tall and skinny! I mean, I was looking good in all my silhouetted 7-ft glory. I even felt my step get a little lighter, my posture improve and the early morning brain fog begin to lift. All because I saw myself, not so much the way I am but the way I want to be.

In reality, of course, I had not grown one inch. In reality, I will never grow taller, except when I step into a pair of high, high, really high heels. In reality, I could grow skinnier. (Never hurts to dream!)

Now, if I go out at noon, my shadow will be equally as deceiving: shorter and wider. Ouch! And that perception of me will not raise my spirits.

Today, I realized that even if there are things I cannot change, it’s okay. I need to accept them and move on. For those things I can change, I continually identify them and make a plan to change them. No matter what, I try my best to keep my eye on the end goal. Sure, there may be times when, like that shorter and wider shadow, I lose my focus and can’t see past the negativity. It happens. It may happen to you too. A good way to get past that is to evaluate, every day, your growth and progress toward your success. If you aren’t growing, you aren’t going anywhere.

Sometimes we have to accept who we are in order to move on successfully. Sometimes we can become who we want to be and that moves us closer to success. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is two-fold:

1. What unchangeable thing can you identify today and choose to accept?
2.  What can you change to move closer to success and how will you do that, starting now?

Yes, I’m a wanna be. And each day I’m moving closer to what and who I want to be. Are you?

Jean

What's Your First Response?

If you’re from Burlington, North Carolina, you know what it means when you’ve parked downtown and find a little orange ticket underneath your windshield wiper: you’ve got a parking ticket. If you’re not from Burlington, you may have had a similar experience in your city. Those little orange tickets are not my friend. In the past few years, I’ve paid….well…more than my share of parking ticket fines.  And every time, I kick myself for throwing money down the drain.  (I mean, it’s $10 a pop; $30, if you forget to pay on time.)

So, I decided this year was going to be different. Very different. Not only did I vow to decrease the amount of money I’m throwing away on those little orange beasts, but I promised myself: No more parking tickets! Period.  (Besides, all that wasted money could have bought me a TON of chocolate!)

Let me tell you, it’s been a challenge. Especially on cold, rainy days where I REALLY didn’t want to walk the few blocks from the parking lot to the office. So, yesterday evening, I walked to my car, in the all day parking lot, and what did I see? You guessed it. The dreaded orange beast, tucked beneath the windshield wiper. Ugg!

My first thought was…..well….I can’t say that word out loud. I just couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I mean, it was like the meter maid had gone crazy. (I’m sure there’s a more appropriate—and modern—term than ‘meter maid’ but you get the picture.) And it wasn’t just me.  As far as the eye could see, there were parking tickets on every car! In a lot that was designated for all day parking. What?

Have you ever had a moment when things weren’t exactly what they seemed? Well, this was one of those moments. As I swiped the dreaded thing off the windshield, I realized, it wasn’t a ticket at all. Instead, it was an advertisement. What a relief!

I turned over the piece of paper to find this:

Then I realized that I had let my first response color my attitude. Even for a brief moment. I had reacted to what I thought was true before looking more closely to see the real truth. (Of course, looking at that little slip of paper, I'm just glad ALL the cars had them; I might have been a little offended if they had singled me out!)

I learned a lesson yesterday, and it’s summed up in this quote by Stedman Graham, a businessman: “People who let events and circumstances dictate their lives are living reactively. That means they don’t act on life, they only react to it.”

Today, I’ve made another promise to myself. Oh yeah, I’m still going to live out 2013 without any parking tickets. But, going forward, I’m also going to “act on life” rather than react. My first response will be well thought out before I respond.

·         Have you ever reacted to a situation that turned out to be different than it first seemed?
·         What can you do, starting now, to eliminate knee-jerk reactions?
·         If you’re parking in downtown Burlington, watch out for those little orange beasts!

No-more-reactively yours, 

Jean

Guest Blogger: Janet Harllee on Making a Difference, Your Way

Today, I welcome Janet Harllee, storyteller and entertainer, to share with you "Making a Difference, Your Way." Read on as she shares how you can make a difference, starting today. -Jean

St. Mother Teresa, Walter Cronkite, the 9/11 Heroes, Pat Tillman, Billy Graham, and all the

men and women who have served and who are currently serving our country.  The list can go

on and on of well-known people who have made a difference.  But you do not need to be well-

known or famous to make a difference. 

Recently, I spoke with several individuals and asked them who made a difference in their life

that has affected them.  Here are some of their comments…

  “My grandmother had a hard life.  She passed on to me that you have to work for what you really want.”

“I learned more about life from my aunt.  She was legally blind and deaf, but was always positive and felt blessed even with her challenges.”

“It’s friends who are always there when I need them.  Their life example is a blessing to me.”

“The way my supervisor did her work as a nurse, and how she encouraged her staff helped me to be a better supervisor.” 

“It was my 5^th grade teacher who told me that I should buckle down and work hard, and since I did not receive encouragement at home, what she said has always stayed with me.”

“My Mother told me to leave a place better than you found it, whether it’s cleaning a room, or talking with a person.  That has stuck with me and applies to anything I do.”

Robert Frost is quoted saying, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…I took the one less

traveled by, and that has made all the difference.”

Look through a different lens today.  Take notice of people and the opportunities of how

you can help them.  It is the little things in life that make the biggest difference.   A friend of

mine told me she went to her bank the other day.  A lady stopped her and said, “Thank you for

smiling.”  My friend spoke to the lady and found out that she lives alone, and was quite touched

that someone took the time to smile at her.   Let someone go in front of you at the grocery

store check-out, or wave a driver to turn in front of you. I know you are in the right, but you just

might be changing someone’s outlook for the day.

Working with seniors on a daily basis, I see how making a difference is in the simple things

like, a smile, or taking the time to sit down and listen to them.  It makes them feel special – and

they really are.  When you do something for someone else, it makes you feel better too. 

In today’s world of cell phones, texting, and computers, I hope we never get so impersonal

that we forget to make a difference in our home, our community, our church, our country. 

Readers, I hope you've enjoyed Janet's words of wisdom today! Be sure to check out her website at www.JanetHarllee.net. You'll be glad you did! -Jean

(Thanks, Janet, for sharing with us!)

Six Super Lessons from Super Bowl XLVII

It was T minus 3 hours, 36 minutes, 24 seconds and counting until the kickoff of Super Bowl XLVII. I could hardly wait! Even though, I have to admit, none of my favorite teams had made it. (Although I do love SF quarterback, Colin Kaepernick.) Still, there’s just something super exciting about watching the best of the best in the NFL go head to head. Plus, I love to watch (and critique) the commercials. How about you?

3 hours, 36 minutes and 24 seconds s-l-o-w-l-y ticked by. Finally, it was time! To see Jennifer Hudson and the Sandy Hook elementary school kids sing “God Bless America”….well, it was heart-touching.  And Alicia Keys’ rendition of the National Anthem was simply beautiful.

 And what about that 11-second kick return for a touchdown by the Ravens? Honestly, I was hoping the 49ers would win. But I was super impressed by that play. You’ve gotta recognize talent.  (Sorry, K!) But then there was the fumble recovery….yep, so much talent on the field tonight.  And 17 San Francisco points scored in just over 4 minutes.  Plus Quarterback K’s touchdown! Longest in Super Bowl history. Wow!

Congrats to the Ravens for the win! And, now that the game is a part of history, here are a few life lessons I learned from this Super Bowl that I want to share with you. #herewego

     1.  Be genuine. Always sing (don’t lip-sync).  Even if you admit you’re going to do it, lip-sync-ing is often perceived as being ‘fake’ or taking the easy way out. (Which is interesting if you’re lip-sync-ing to your own performance.) Now, I certainly understand that the sound quality would be better lip-sync-ed. However, I’ll take a live performance anytime over perfection. Kudos to Beyoncé for going for it. She genuinely rocked the house at half-time!

2.  Be prayerful. Before taking the field, we saw players praying. In your personal and professional life, it’s important to have balance. Men and woman of great faith draw strength from and give glory to God. Don’t neglect your spiritual life.  

3      3.  Be grateful.  Just like making it to the Super Bowl, there are going to be key people and key events in your life that get you to your shining hour. Remember those that got you there and let them know you appreciate them.

4      4.  Be forgiving.  Life isn’t fair, especially if you disagreed with the referee’s call on…you know what play I’m talking about! Yeah, that one. If you focus on times you’ve been treated unfairly in life, you’ll never reach your full potential. You have to forgive in order to focus fully and live your purpose.

5      5.  Be ready for anything. Sometimes, the unexpected happens. Sometimes it’s beyond your control. Like when the lights go out in the Super Dome during the big game. When life happens, focus on what you do have control of, not on what you don’t. And ALWAYS have a Plan B. Use your downtime wisely. Be ready for when the lights DO come back on. (Even if it takes 35 minutes.)

6       6. Be the best. NFL teams that make it to the Super Bowl didn’t do it by being mediocre. Be your best in what you do, take a journey of continual growth and find your own success!

Are there any lessons you’ve learned from watching the big game?

What was your favorite commercial? Mine was a tie for first between the RAM “So God Made a Farmer” and the Jeep/USO one. With bravery at the prom (Audi) coming in second.  (Maybe not a close second, but second just the same.)

What was the tackiest? Yeah, the Go Daddy kiss.

To your super success,

Jean

Check out the Super Bowl commercials here!